An Unforeseen Sisterhood and Being Your Own Healthcare Advocate

I’ve honestly been avoiding writing this post for weeks because it just seemed too hard to relive everything that happened, but I want to write this for the community of women that know this feeling all too well. It is like this unwanted sisterhood that we all share because no one else truly understands how we really feel, what we went through, or the grief that carries on from having a miscarriage. I also want to write this for the women that are trying to get pregnant and give you the information I now only know from going through one myself to better equip you to be your own healthcare advocate. And lastly, I want to write this because this is so much more common than I ever realized and it is truly crazy to me that no one seems to talk about it. It is almost shameful to talk about when in reality it shouldn’t be. Not talking about it almost in a way, makes you more isolated and depressed, in my opinion, whereas connecting with other women that have gone through this experience seems to give you just a little bit of comfort. I know it is a heavy topic - but those are usually the ones worth talking about. Here is my story:

If you read my hormones post, you may know I had one period in the last 12 years (thanks hormonal birth control) and it was in December, but somehow, I managed to get pregnant the first few days of March. It’s weird because in some way, in my heart, I think I knew something couldn’t be right. But of course, I ignored my intuition and let myself be overjoyed with the feeling of having a mini me or Forrest. We told my parents since I found out just a few days before my mom came to visit. Even though we had said we wouldn’t tell another soul, we ended up blurting it out to several friends because we could’t contain our excitement. Some of my clients even guessed because I started showing pretty quickly. And we began to make all these plans for our future. We talked about it every single day … honestly it was all we could talk about.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get into a gynecologist until 12 weeks because I was still waiting on my Swedish ID to be able to go to any healthcare facilities. I had quite a bit of anxiety about waiting so long but there was nothing we could do; so we eagerly waited for our first ultrasound appointment on May 4th… and around 11 pm on May 3rd I lost our baby. The timing of it all will never cease to shock me. God works in mysterious ways: because had I heard that heartbeat and then lost our baby…I just can’t even imagine how I would have handled that. All day on the 3rd, I knew something wasn’t right. I was having cramps and light spotting but my poor husband kept googling things and ensuring me this was normal - he was in denial. Then later in the day, I started having contractions every 5 minutes and they were freaking excruciating. I knew it was time to go to the emergency room. As I got up to go to the car, it happened. Or I thought it happened because so much blood came out of me - you know that scene in the movies where the woman collapsed and a rush of blood comes out- just like that. Struck by overwhelming grief, I started sobbing in a way I have never cried before. My heart sank and I just knew. I don’t remember much between that and getting to the ER besides that there was so much blood everywhere. The doctor told me I was having a miscarriage but the baby was not out yet. I was given three options (I now know I am lucky that I even had these choices because some women in America aren’t given options at all): either go home and let my body handle this naturally, be admitted and given abortion pills to induce labor, or have D & C surgery where they surgically remove everything from the cervix and uterus. Going home was not an option because my pain level was at a 10 but surgery seemed scary so I chose the pills. Honestly the worse decision I ever made looking back on it now.

Part of the reason I am writing this is to tell you that if you have this choice, I would HIGHLY encourage you to do the D & C surgery knowing what I know now and experiencing what I experienced.

I was admitted and my husband was not allowed to be with me because of Covid regulations. This was so traumatic in itself honestly: being in a foreign country, losing your baby, and also doing it alone — not ideal for my mental health. On top of that, every time I had to pee, which was also accompanied by pints of blood and tissue, I had to go in a bucket and then ring the nurse so they could check to see if our no longer living baby had come out. This went on for 12 hours. 12 fucking hours of this trauma. 12 hours of constantly reliving the miscarriage. 12 hours of mental and emotional hell. This was truly the lowest I have ever felt in my life. There are so many things running through your mind - all these what ifs: I had I just gone to the doctor earlier, maybe I didn’t take enough folic acid, did I work out too hard at the gym, was I too stressed about the move, what could I have done better? Had it not been for the midwife that came to me around 4 am, I know in my heart I would be in a very dark place right now.

I was an emotional wreck, no one was really talking to me besides telling me what to do/taking my blood etc. This angel of a midwife walked in and saw the pain in my eyes and said “would you like to talk” I have no idea why I said yes - because I didn’t really want to. She sat down and said “I know this is so hard, I have been through it too, at three months as well, and even though it is early in the pregnancy, that doesn’t make it any easier. You had already imagined what your baby would look like, if it was a boy or girl, made all these plans and lived with your baby inside of you for three months. The grief of losing your little one is so very real. I am going to tell you what my doctor told me: First of all - this is not your fault, you could not have done anything to prevent this. This is our bodies way of knowing our baby was not healthy enough to live earth side with us and it is better than to have our baby suffer. You will grieve but know one day you will have a healthy baby in your arms and you will never forget your angel baby.” We both cried and she sat with me for an hour sharing her story. It was the first time I felt like I could be okay.

15 hours in they told me I would have to get the D&C surgery because my body was not passing the placenta and baby. The surgery was a breeze and once I got out, I was able to go home in 30 minutes. Had I known how easy that would have been, I would have never opted for the hell of a night I spent in the hospital. I remember looking at Forrest and saying NO ONE should have to go through that. No one.

Although the medical nightmare was over, the grief and trauma lived on. We had to tell everyone we had told what happened. I couldn’t even bring myself to handle that so thank God for my husband. I was still living in a pregnant body I didn’t even recognize without even having the joy of carrying a baby. Every time I tried to put on my clothes that no longer fit, I was reminded of what I lost. I refused to wear pregnancy clothes because I was not pregnant. Every time I got dressed - I cried. I was living in diapers because, similar to postpartum, you are still just bleeding nonstop which just made you feel even worse. The grief would hit me like a wave at any given time and I would just break down. This was honestly the hardest time of my life. I wasn’t sure it would ever end. But every time I would be overwhelmed with the grief of the loss of our angel baby, I would remember what the midwife said - our baby was not healthy enough and we would never want our baby to suffer. That really is the only thing that gave me peace.

I am not sure how this happened, but somehow I started connecting with other women that had gone through the same thing - once again God works in mysterious ways. Did you know 1 in 3 pregnant women will have a miscarriage? Every conversation I had with other women that have gone through the same thing brought me a little more comfort. We would share our stories, cry, and always end it with glimmer of hope. One thing that came up more than I would have imagined was that many of these women were told to go home and that their bodies would naturally “take care of it”. I spoke to 5 different women that were told this then experienced reoccurring miscarriages. I mean the emotional and physical trauma of one is already so immense, my heart literally broke hearing these stories. It was only after they had to become their own healthcare advocate and demand an ultrasound that the doctors realized there was still remnants of the first miscarriage that was stuck in the uterus and causing the other miscarriages. Then they had to have D & C surgery. I urge you, if God forbid you suffer a miscarriage - please have the doctors do an ultrasound to ensure there are no remnants left in your uterus or opt for the D & C Surgery. These are the things I wish I would have known prior to my experience.

I know this was a heavy topic but if it helps one woman out there then I am grateful I shared my story. The midwife sharing her story is truly what saved me mentally. Then connecting with more women and sharing our stories continued to help me mentally along with the support of my loved ones. The thing is, you will never truly be over it. I think that is the thing about grief - it is everlasting, but you find a way to make some peace so that it hurts a little less and find a bit of hope. I know one day we will have our healthy baby in our arms and that day I will remember our angel baby and that they are always watching over us.

Thanks for reading and as always - stay well my friends.

xx Mel